Armageddon Movies Teach us About the Coming Apocalypse
April/01/2010 15:16
Now that health care has passed, it's time to plan for the end of times. What better way to do that by watching the best Armageddon movies available as a guide on how to prepare? Jump to Texy Awards for Armageddon Films
In this article, I do not differentiate between apocalypse (tragedy in the making), post-apocalypse (after the end of humanity as we know it), or dystopian (authoritarian societies have taken over due to some apocalyptic even, as in 1984). They are all in the same category of Armageddon/apocalypse movies for this blog.
Of course there are also the crappy movies and the good movies, and I have left some of the clunkers off the list and include many of the historic classics and favor them over the recent special effects extravaganzas. I also realized that there are so many interesting movies in this category that I cannot feature even half of the decent ones. Please add the movies I should in see the comments below.
On the Beach (1959)
This classic movie is based on the 1950s novel by the same name and was directed by noted Hollywood artist Stanley Kramer.
The residents of Australia, after a global nuclear war, must come to terms with the fact that all life will be destroyed in a matter of months.
The trailer can be seen here, and it's really worth a view.
Lessons: Nuclear weapons kill. (Apparently, some people don't know this.) Watch out for the military. Ultimately, the use of nuclear weapons is the American's fault. Life is complex enough without nuclear fallout hanging over your head. Tony Perkins didn't just play Norman Bates in the movie Psycho.
Dr. Strangelove
This is the only realistic of the Armageddon movies, and the least biblical. The cause of the apocalypse is the military, the cold war, and the communist scare. It is the funniest movie featuring the end of the world, so I have to give it a nod. For your enjoyment, I have provide links to some of my favorite scenes instead of posting them:
The ending or why it's an apocalyptic movie (link)
"Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!" (link)
You'll have to answer to the Coca Cola Company or "A mutiny of preverts!" Yes, he said "preverts." (link)
Precious Bodily Fluids or "I do deny them my essence" (link)
General "Buck" Turgidson gets excited (link)
Terminator
A cyborg played by Arnold Schwarzenegger comes back from the future to kill the human mother of the warrior that later saves mankind from the age of the machines. Much better movie than the plot would indicate.
Lessons: Learn to ride a motorcycle and how to use a shotgun. Change your name to the most popular one in your city so that when the Terminator comes for you, you will be harder to find. I'm changing mine to Jose Hernandez. Don't trust your computers. Technology is dangerous especially when the military uses it. Good thing the internet wasn't developed by the mili....aargh!
The Quiet Earth
This New Zealand Doomsday film brings hope to the term "end of times".
Lessons: In the end of times, there will always be an attractive female around and a black buddy to hang with that you would have never met if the world hadn't ended. In the case of The Omega Man, the black buddy and hot female were one-in-the-same. However, like in 28 Days Later, you have to be careful whom you trust. Dreams are real; reality is a dream. A few more earthquakes, and bam, we're in trouble. You can't hide from the end of the world, even at the end of the earth, New Zealand. Be careful what meds you take.
The Omega Man
They couldn’t make up their minds what ended humanity, so they use disease and nuclear war in this apocalyptic classic. The last man on earth fights to survive in a world full of zombie like flesh eating mutants.
Check out the first ten minutes, at least up to the credits.
Lessons: Don't trust anyone, keep up your old habits, and carry a big gun. Always have a full compliment of jumpsuits. The usefulness and coolness of jumpsuits should not be underestimated. Find the hottest black chick still alive on the planet and befriend her like lucky Mr. Heston does in the movie. Take what you like and leave the rest. Stay in after dark. Maybe hippies were right about all getting along. LA might be cool without all the cars. Always carry a spare tire for your convertible.
The Omega Man was a remake of the Last Man on Earth starring Vincent Price, and I am Legend was the story behind both movies and the newest version that features Will Smith.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q4N1zURsJw
Soylent Green
The food supply collapses under over population in the near future. How will we survive?
Lessons: books will be unnecessary in the apocalypse. Carry an extra layer of fat on you just in case the food runs out. Perhaps getting used to eating human flesh is good idea. Stock up on protein bars. Charleston Heston would have been a good person to have in the apocalyptic future, if it was the 70s. It is better to NOT know what you are eating all the time.
Silent Running (1972)
Earth will rapidly lose species, but humans have developed an awesome space program. So they create biospheres for the plants and animals on earth and send them out to space where Bruce Dern cares for them.
Lessons: Biodiversity is a good thing. Maybe our technology should go into saving the planet and not space programs. Also, plants can save us from the Armageddon, drones not dogs will be man's best friend in the future, and Joan Baez can save us.
Planet of the Apes (1968)
This is a classic. And I don't mean the remake that had none of the mystery of the original. Mr. NRA, Charlton Heston, gets to see at the end of the movie what happens when there's no arms control, "Damn you all to hell" shouts Colonel Taylor (Heston). Yes, damn you. Planet of the Apes clearly explains that humans could have never evolved from apes, so evolution is untrue.
Lessons: Treat animals kindly. Nuclear weapons kill. Learn how to shoot a rifle. Keep quiet when around guerillas. Work out so you look good in animal rags.
28 Days Later
This movie is a twist on the regular zombie fair. In this case, packs of zombies, or diseased persons, hunt the humans that have yet to be infected by the "rage" virus that makes people crave human flesh.
Lessons: Treat animals kindly. Get your blood tested. Get pissed; it might help you survive when facing the combined forces of the British army and zombies. London is creepy without people around, so use the buddy system. Humans can be as dangerous or more dangerous than zombies. Zombie movies can be thoughtful. Don't do sequels of movies by changing the title from "Days" to "Months". Let's hope they don't do "28 Years Later". The sequel was so bad it made me question the quality of the first film.
Armageddon
In this movie, asteroids threaten to destroy the earth, so we have to send up Bruce Willis to save us because if he can deal with Alan Rickman in Die Hard, he can handle an asteroid. That's it. That's the whole plot.
Lessons: Space programs are good investments. Blowing things up might save your planet and make some money in the theaters. Therefore, we should keep a few nukes around. Get laid while the getting's good. In the end of times, it really doesn't matter if Liv Tyler can act or if Bruce Willis phones it in every movie, except maybe about 2 minutes of Pulp Fiction.
Deep Impact
It's more biblical and thoughtful than Armageddon. The fact that Deep Impact features Robert Duvall and NOT Ben Affleck raises the intelligence level of the movie tremendously.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLgSKv2P-ow
Lessons: You can never have enough movies featuring asteroids threatening earth. Science can be fiction when put in the wrong hands. Live near a mountain just in case the big flood comes so you can ride up it to safety. Learn to ride a motorcycle. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Day After Tomorrow
In this movie, the earth’s climate changes (it is fiction), icecaps melt, and the world is doomed. A global warming scientist tries to save us from this catastrophe. Glenn Beck freezes in the new ice age and rants "you call this global warming..."
Lessons: Buy yourself a heavy down jacket even if you live in Arizona. Pay attention to your dogs. You can stop using your car now, or you can have it crushed under tidal waves 35 feet high. New York is not a good place to live when the polar ice caps melt. Perhaps we should listen to global warming experts. Nah, let's just all move to Brazil.
The Road Warrior
Australia is the setting for yet another apocalyptic film. What do they know that we don't? The earth has dried up and the only biome left is the desert. A mad man name Max, a man who has lost his family and has nothing to live for but everything to kill for, is coaxed to care about others through the use of a cute and savage wild child. He battles to save families from the savages (much like Republicans do) that every apocalypse ever film creates.
Lessons: It's better to die in the apocalypse. Being a loner that is good with guns and vehicles has its advantages after everything goes to hell. Learn to ride a motorcycle and how to use a shotgun. Don't be fooled to care about others unless you plan to take it all the way.
2012
This really is about an apocalypse prophecy. This time, it's legitimized by the exotic Mayan warning about the end of times in 2012. This film looks fabulous but makes no sense. The casting is impressive though.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz86TsGx3fc
Lessons: If the Mayan prophecy is true, you better be well connected. So run for Congress now. Otherwise, you're dead. Also, special effects are no replacement for plot. However, we've learned that before.
Texy Awards in the Apocalypse Category
So Bad It's Good Apocalypse Movies and Trailer Award: Solar Babies (1986)
The trailer speaks for itself. Solar Babies beat out A Boy and His Dog, Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome and Tank Girl to earn this special award. None of those films were good enough for the regular list, nor were they bad enough for the special worst of honor. A Boy and His Dog was close.
Best apocalypse actor: Charlton Heston
Charlton Heston starred in Soylent Green, Omega Man and Planet of the Apes. For being in those three, he beats out stiff competition in Mad Max Mel Gibson and Arnold, the Terminator, Schwarzenegger. Charlton Heston had to do it without special effects or big budget in a time when over acting was the only tool an apocalyptic actor had. And I would mention the other Planet of the Apes movies Heston played in, but those movies are so hated, he'd lose credibility.
Best apocalypse actress: Mila Jovovich
Mila Jovovich who played Leeloo in the Fifth Element, a movie about a near apocalypse experience. She also played Alice in the three post apocalyptic Resident Evil movies. While I am not a huge fan of hers, she has played in more apocalyptic movies than any other woman on screen today, and her characters have super human abilities beyond those of Max Mad or any role Heston played. What she lacks in humour and smarm of those two characters, she makes up in kick butt babe action.
Best Armageddon documentary: ”Waiting for Armageddon.”
Best Armageddon Director-- Roland Emmerich
With apologies to Michael Bay, director of Armageddon and holder of a 7% out of 100 rating at Rotten Tomatoes, I have to give this Texy Award to Mr. Emmerich. Roland Emmerich not only directed 2012, Day After Tomorrow, and Independence Day, he was also the producer and writer of these end of times films. Plus, he produced, wrote and directed the beginning of times film, 10,000 B.C.
Roland Emmerich has a rating on Rotten Tomatoes that is more than double that or Mr. Bay at 18% out of 100. And he can also be thanked for officially killing the Godzilla franchise, at least in the U.S., with his 1998 version of the monster series. For this and more, Roland Emmerich earns the Texy Award for Best Armageddon director.
Best apocalypse monument: the Statue of Liberty.
It is featured in Planet of the Apes, Day after Tomorrow, and Escape from New York. I'm sure it's in others, but I missed it. It's such a symbol of freedom and hope that it is a crushing blow when lady liberty is taken down in the last disaster to befall humans on earth. If the Statue of Liberty falls, mankind, meaning the United States, is lost.
I hope you enjoyed my article. (comment below) Now go out, learn to shoot and ride, buy a warm jacket and some protein bars, get connected to important people or become important yourself, and move to the center of the United States or Canada near some mountains and away from the coasts. If you are in Europe or Asia, you have the Alps and Himalayas. In South America, I recommend you live near Cuzco. It's near mountains and it's beautiful. Plus, there are fewer mad scientist there to create apocalyptic danger. Europe is a problem though. There must be thousands of evil villains and scientists in Germany, Switzerland and England since they are in the movies. And England is the site of so many disasters (28 Days Later) and dystopian societies (1984, V for Vendetta) it's not safe. And living in the future is out. It's just too nasty.
As for myself, I...well, you almost had me there. But I can't trust you, can I? Therefore, I can't tell you were I am moving for the end of times. And no, I won't give you Senator Kyl's private number.
Yours,
Tex Shelters
In this article, I do not differentiate between apocalypse (tragedy in the making), post-apocalypse (after the end of humanity as we know it), or dystopian (authoritarian societies have taken over due to some apocalyptic even, as in 1984). They are all in the same category of Armageddon/apocalypse movies for this blog.
Of course there are also the crappy movies and the good movies, and I have left some of the clunkers off the list and include many of the historic classics and favor them over the recent special effects extravaganzas. I also realized that there are so many interesting movies in this category that I cannot feature even half of the decent ones. Please add the movies I should in see the comments below.
On the Beach (1959)
This classic movie is based on the 1950s novel by the same name and was directed by noted Hollywood artist Stanley Kramer.
The residents of Australia, after a global nuclear war, must come to terms with the fact that all life will be destroyed in a matter of months.
The trailer can be seen here, and it's really worth a view.
Lessons: Nuclear weapons kill. (Apparently, some people don't know this.) Watch out for the military. Ultimately, the use of nuclear weapons is the American's fault. Life is complex enough without nuclear fallout hanging over your head. Tony Perkins didn't just play Norman Bates in the movie Psycho.
Dr. Strangelove
This is the only realistic of the Armageddon movies, and the least biblical. The cause of the apocalypse is the military, the cold war, and the communist scare. It is the funniest movie featuring the end of the world, so I have to give it a nod. For your enjoyment, I have provide links to some of my favorite scenes instead of posting them:
The ending or why it's an apocalyptic movie (link)
"Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!" (link)
You'll have to answer to the Coca Cola Company or "A mutiny of preverts!" Yes, he said "preverts." (link)
Precious Bodily Fluids or "I do deny them my essence" (link)
General "Buck" Turgidson gets excited (link)
Terminator
A cyborg played by Arnold Schwarzenegger comes back from the future to kill the human mother of the warrior that later saves mankind from the age of the machines. Much better movie than the plot would indicate.
Lessons: Learn to ride a motorcycle and how to use a shotgun. Change your name to the most popular one in your city so that when the Terminator comes for you, you will be harder to find. I'm changing mine to Jose Hernandez. Don't trust your computers. Technology is dangerous especially when the military uses it. Good thing the internet wasn't developed by the mili....aargh!
The Quiet Earth
This New Zealand Doomsday film brings hope to the term "end of times".
Lessons: In the end of times, there will always be an attractive female around and a black buddy to hang with that you would have never met if the world hadn't ended. In the case of The Omega Man, the black buddy and hot female were one-in-the-same. However, like in 28 Days Later, you have to be careful whom you trust. Dreams are real; reality is a dream. A few more earthquakes, and bam, we're in trouble. You can't hide from the end of the world, even at the end of the earth, New Zealand. Be careful what meds you take.
The Omega Man
They couldn’t make up their minds what ended humanity, so they use disease and nuclear war in this apocalyptic classic. The last man on earth fights to survive in a world full of zombie like flesh eating mutants.
Check out the first ten minutes, at least up to the credits.
Lessons: Don't trust anyone, keep up your old habits, and carry a big gun. Always have a full compliment of jumpsuits. The usefulness and coolness of jumpsuits should not be underestimated. Find the hottest black chick still alive on the planet and befriend her like lucky Mr. Heston does in the movie. Take what you like and leave the rest. Stay in after dark. Maybe hippies were right about all getting along. LA might be cool without all the cars. Always carry a spare tire for your convertible.
The Omega Man was a remake of the Last Man on Earth starring Vincent Price, and I am Legend was the story behind both movies and the newest version that features Will Smith.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q4N1zURsJw
Soylent Green
The food supply collapses under over population in the near future. How will we survive?
Lessons: books will be unnecessary in the apocalypse. Carry an extra layer of fat on you just in case the food runs out. Perhaps getting used to eating human flesh is good idea. Stock up on protein bars. Charleston Heston would have been a good person to have in the apocalyptic future, if it was the 70s. It is better to NOT know what you are eating all the time.
Silent Running (1972)
Earth will rapidly lose species, but humans have developed an awesome space program. So they create biospheres for the plants and animals on earth and send them out to space where Bruce Dern cares for them.
Lessons: Biodiversity is a good thing. Maybe our technology should go into saving the planet and not space programs. Also, plants can save us from the Armageddon, drones not dogs will be man's best friend in the future, and Joan Baez can save us.
Planet of the Apes (1968)
This is a classic. And I don't mean the remake that had none of the mystery of the original. Mr. NRA, Charlton Heston, gets to see at the end of the movie what happens when there's no arms control, "Damn you all to hell" shouts Colonel Taylor (Heston). Yes, damn you. Planet of the Apes clearly explains that humans could have never evolved from apes, so evolution is untrue.
Lessons: Treat animals kindly. Nuclear weapons kill. Learn how to shoot a rifle. Keep quiet when around guerillas. Work out so you look good in animal rags.
28 Days Later
This movie is a twist on the regular zombie fair. In this case, packs of zombies, or diseased persons, hunt the humans that have yet to be infected by the "rage" virus that makes people crave human flesh.
Lessons: Treat animals kindly. Get your blood tested. Get pissed; it might help you survive when facing the combined forces of the British army and zombies. London is creepy without people around, so use the buddy system. Humans can be as dangerous or more dangerous than zombies. Zombie movies can be thoughtful. Don't do sequels of movies by changing the title from "Days" to "Months". Let's hope they don't do "28 Years Later". The sequel was so bad it made me question the quality of the first film.
Armageddon
In this movie, asteroids threaten to destroy the earth, so we have to send up Bruce Willis to save us because if he can deal with Alan Rickman in Die Hard, he can handle an asteroid. That's it. That's the whole plot.
Lessons: Space programs are good investments. Blowing things up might save your planet and make some money in the theaters. Therefore, we should keep a few nukes around. Get laid while the getting's good. In the end of times, it really doesn't matter if Liv Tyler can act or if Bruce Willis phones it in every movie, except maybe about 2 minutes of Pulp Fiction.
Deep Impact
It's more biblical and thoughtful than Armageddon. The fact that Deep Impact features Robert Duvall and NOT Ben Affleck raises the intelligence level of the movie tremendously.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLgSKv2P-ow
Lessons: You can never have enough movies featuring asteroids threatening earth. Science can be fiction when put in the wrong hands. Live near a mountain just in case the big flood comes so you can ride up it to safety. Learn to ride a motorcycle. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Day After Tomorrow
In this movie, the earth’s climate changes (it is fiction), icecaps melt, and the world is doomed. A global warming scientist tries to save us from this catastrophe. Glenn Beck freezes in the new ice age and rants "you call this global warming..."
Lessons: Buy yourself a heavy down jacket even if you live in Arizona. Pay attention to your dogs. You can stop using your car now, or you can have it crushed under tidal waves 35 feet high. New York is not a good place to live when the polar ice caps melt. Perhaps we should listen to global warming experts. Nah, let's just all move to Brazil.
The Road Warrior
Australia is the setting for yet another apocalyptic film. What do they know that we don't? The earth has dried up and the only biome left is the desert. A mad man name Max, a man who has lost his family and has nothing to live for but everything to kill for, is coaxed to care about others through the use of a cute and savage wild child. He battles to save families from the savages (much like Republicans do) that every apocalypse ever film creates.
Lessons: It's better to die in the apocalypse. Being a loner that is good with guns and vehicles has its advantages after everything goes to hell. Learn to ride a motorcycle and how to use a shotgun. Don't be fooled to care about others unless you plan to take it all the way.
2012
This really is about an apocalypse prophecy. This time, it's legitimized by the exotic Mayan warning about the end of times in 2012. This film looks fabulous but makes no sense. The casting is impressive though.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz86TsGx3fc
Lessons: If the Mayan prophecy is true, you better be well connected. So run for Congress now. Otherwise, you're dead. Also, special effects are no replacement for plot. However, we've learned that before.
Texy Awards in the Apocalypse Category
So Bad It's Good Apocalypse Movies and Trailer Award: Solar Babies (1986)
The trailer speaks for itself. Solar Babies beat out A Boy and His Dog, Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome and Tank Girl to earn this special award. None of those films were good enough for the regular list, nor were they bad enough for the special worst of honor. A Boy and His Dog was close.
Best apocalypse actor: Charlton Heston
Charlton Heston starred in Soylent Green, Omega Man and Planet of the Apes. For being in those three, he beats out stiff competition in Mad Max Mel Gibson and Arnold, the Terminator, Schwarzenegger. Charlton Heston had to do it without special effects or big budget in a time when over acting was the only tool an apocalyptic actor had. And I would mention the other Planet of the Apes movies Heston played in, but those movies are so hated, he'd lose credibility.
Best apocalypse actress: Mila Jovovich
Mila Jovovich who played Leeloo in the Fifth Element, a movie about a near apocalypse experience. She also played Alice in the three post apocalyptic Resident Evil movies. While I am not a huge fan of hers, she has played in more apocalyptic movies than any other woman on screen today, and her characters have super human abilities beyond those of Max Mad or any role Heston played. What she lacks in humour and smarm of those two characters, she makes up in kick butt babe action.
Best Armageddon documentary: ”Waiting for Armageddon.”
Best Armageddon Director-- Roland Emmerich
With apologies to Michael Bay, director of Armageddon and holder of a 7% out of 100 rating at Rotten Tomatoes, I have to give this Texy Award to Mr. Emmerich. Roland Emmerich not only directed 2012, Day After Tomorrow, and Independence Day, he was also the producer and writer of these end of times films. Plus, he produced, wrote and directed the beginning of times film, 10,000 B.C.
Roland Emmerich has a rating on Rotten Tomatoes that is more than double that or Mr. Bay at 18% out of 100. And he can also be thanked for officially killing the Godzilla franchise, at least in the U.S., with his 1998 version of the monster series. For this and more, Roland Emmerich earns the Texy Award for Best Armageddon director.
Best apocalypse monument: the Statue of Liberty.
It is featured in Planet of the Apes, Day after Tomorrow, and Escape from New York. I'm sure it's in others, but I missed it. It's such a symbol of freedom and hope that it is a crushing blow when lady liberty is taken down in the last disaster to befall humans on earth. If the Statue of Liberty falls, mankind, meaning the United States, is lost.
I hope you enjoyed my article. (comment below) Now go out, learn to shoot and ride, buy a warm jacket and some protein bars, get connected to important people or become important yourself, and move to the center of the United States or Canada near some mountains and away from the coasts. If you are in Europe or Asia, you have the Alps and Himalayas. In South America, I recommend you live near Cuzco. It's near mountains and it's beautiful. Plus, there are fewer mad scientist there to create apocalyptic danger. Europe is a problem though. There must be thousands of evil villains and scientists in Germany, Switzerland and England since they are in the movies. And England is the site of so many disasters (28 Days Later) and dystopian societies (1984, V for Vendetta) it's not safe. And living in the future is out. It's just too nasty.
As for myself, I...well, you almost had me there. But I can't trust you, can I? Therefore, I can't tell you were I am moving for the end of times. And no, I won't give you Senator Kyl's private number.
Yours,
Tex Shelters
